A good friend of mine (I won’t say who) knows computers inside & out and got access to the work and private email accounts of some of her colleagues (I won’t say how). Anyway, knowing about my blog, she downloaded the messages and passed them to me one day, quite nonchalantly, thinking they made entertaining reading. She was right. For the most part, she skipped over all of the boring work-related content, except for a few choice company memos, which ended up being very funny.
“Go ahead and print them,” she told me, waving her hand. “Who cares? I mean, reality TV is huge, right? People like to be on display. They’ll be celebrities.”
“Well, OK. But this is super sensitive stuff. And you’ve only pulled email messages from a small circle of people, mainly these two here—Duncan and Paulette.”
“That’s because their emails are the most interesting ones. Everybody’s eyes are on them, at work, at home, on the basketball court. The salon, the coffee shop, the nail …”
“Who are these people?”
“I told you. Some interesting co-workers. Their lives are like a big, flaky drama. Read the messages. You’ll see what I mean.”
“What if you get busted for stealing these emails?” By that time, my friend had waved me off and begun sipping her soy mega-grande latte, or whatever extravagantly priced coffee she happened to be drinking that day. She seemed really unconcerned about it, so I started reading them.
To: Paulette Barrow
From: Emma Billingsley
Date: June 18, 8:30 a.m., EST
Subject: I Saw your Soooouuul Mate!!
Guess who I saw coming out of the coffee shop? The one you should marry! He’s 6′2″, got wavy-ish brown hair, chocolatey brown eyes—the kind like Hershey’s kisses, not regular hum-drum everyday brown eyes— and dimples. AND, he was coming out of a coffee shop carrying … tea!
To: Emma Billingsley
From: Paulette Barrow
Date: June 18, 8:35 a.m., EST
Re: Subject: I Saw your Sooouul Mate!!
That sounds nothing like Ralph, who is my actual fiance. Remember him?
To: Paulette Barrow
From: Emma Billingsley
Date: June 18, 8:37 a.m., EST
Re: Subject: I Saw your Sooouul Mate!!
Now you’ve gone and ruined my muffin … by talking about Barf.
To: Emma Billingsley
From: Paulette Barrow
Date: June 18, 8:40 a.m., EST
Re: Subject: I Saw your Sooouul Mate!!
His name is Ralph!
To: Paulette Barrow
From: Emma Billingsley
Date: June 18, 8:41 a.m., EST
Re: Subject: I Saw your Sooouul Mate!!
BARF!
To: STAFF — New York
From: Henry Peche, CEO
Re: New Director of Content Development
Wednesday, June 18, 2009; 9:00 a.m., EST
Good morning, New York staff. One year ago, our firm began investing in proprietary workflow technology, after several months of developing organic solutions to our unique and complex back-office needs. While this is a very rare step for mid-size financial services firms, and one that puts is in very small company, the experimental period has yielded enough efficiencies, measurable in tangible dollar profits, so that we have decided to make the initiative a permanent segment of the Bainesbridge White Group. Ultimately, this helps expand our economy of scale and makes us more competitive in our corner of the brokerage industry.
We have appointed Wesley Burnham, our current special programs director, to fill the newly created position of director of products. Wesley is familiar to all of you, as he has been a part of the Bainesbridge White Group for 9 years, complementing a total of 20 years developing technology for the financial services industry. We owe our newly streamlined document and workflow processing to him. Paulette Barrow, a proven dynamo in Wesley’s group, has been promoted to senior product manager.
We also have news in our research department. Joining the Bainesbridge White Group, and the research team is Duncan Knightley as a senior equity analyst. Duncan comes to us from Stofel & Case, where he tracked the commodities sector. Please welcome me in congratulating Wesley and Paulette and in extending a warm welcome to Duncan.
To: Paulette Barrow
From: Emma Billingsley
Date: June 18, 3:30 p.m., EST
Subject: OMG, That’s Him
Honestly, Paulette. I wouldn’t make up something like that. That new dude in research looks exactly like my description of your soul mate from the coffee shop. You should go over and introduce yourself before one of these other hussies ties him up! Do I have to think of everything?
To: Emma Billingsley
From: Paulette Barrow
Date: June 18, 3:45 p.m., EST
Re: OMG, That’s Him
I’m ENGAGED already! You are really not being fair to Ralph. IF I happen to come across this guy for work-related business, then I’ll introduce myself, but not before! Now, PLZ(!!!) pull yourself together and be nice for the engagement party. If anything bad happens, you’re on ‘administrative leave’ as maid of honor.
To: Paulette Barrow
From: Emma Billingsley
Date: June 18, 3:45 p.m., EST
Re: OMG, That’s Him
K.
